Funny Status Facebook

I haven`t seen a spider around the house in days.. WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY PLANNING?

Hey haters, I found your nose. It was in my business again.

"But mom what if i get kidnapped?" "Trust me, they`d bring you back."

That awkward moment when your parents try to gangster talk to you.

That awkward moment when you realize that someone’s right while you’re proving they’re wrong.

Cell phones should have the option to change "airplane mode" to "drunk mode" that way my drunk texts never leave my phone...

You know you`re stoned when you look at your dog and ask "did you say something?"
 "I wasnt that Drunk".
Dude, you were walking around naked trying to put your phone in your pocket.

"I wasnt that Drunk". Dude, you told me to give you a ride home... the party was at your house.

That awkward moment when you spell a word so wrong even autocorrect can`t figure out what you meant.

* Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars.
* It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
* While assuring children that Santa really does exist, I’m often quick to add “unlike you” just to keep them on their toes.
* I love Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?
* The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. ~ Joan Rivers
* I may not be the real Santa, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen you while you’re sleeping.
* I plan to chug NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head!
* This year I’m making “fruitcakes” out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions.
* If you want, you can tickle my elmo!
* I am still trying to figure out what “police nabbed my dad” has to do with Christmas.
* Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
* I am the ghost of Christmas Passed Out.
* I’ve been bad a few times this year, but it was worth it…you judgmental fat bastard!
* What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. ~ Phyllis Diller
* All I want for Christmas is you. Just kidding! I want a new car.
* The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. ~ Jay Leno
* Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.
* Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
* This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I’ve decided to give everyone my opinion.
* I am dreaming of a white Christmas. But, if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.
* I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple
* Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven. ~ W. C. Fields
* Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. ~ Johnny Carson
* The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. ~ Johnny Carson
* It’s important to clearly mark which egg nog has been spiked. Write that down. These kids areA hilarious, though.
* Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. ~ Kin Hubbard
* Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won’t make it “white”. ~ Bing Crosby

Funny Facebook Status 1. You can save a lot on college by learning calligraphy and making your own diploma.
2. We used to call it “recess.” Today they call it “cease fire.”
3. College would be great if it weren’t for all the classes.
4. I’m failing geometry because I refuse to believe that pie are squared.
5. Someone died of a brain aneurysm today while taking a standardized test. The last thing anyone saw him do was stand up, pull all his hair out and yell, “ABACADABA!! ABACADABA!!!!”
6. I think I’ll skip English tomorrow. There are just certain aspects of Moby I don’t want to know about.
7. Funny Facebook Status The school board decided to remove speech and debate from the course schedule; there was no argument.
8. Our school is very low-budgeted; our physics book is so out of date the last chapter deals with combustion.
9. School is just an elaborate plot by vampires to obtain the blood of teenagers through periodic blood-drives.
10. Today in Art class we were going to paint a nude model, but the teacher sent her to the office for violating dress code.
11. Funny Facebook Status Fifth graders in Texas are using worms to recycle garbage from school lunches. But even the worms won’t eat the Salisbury steak.
12. Today in English we learned absolutely nothing about killing mockingbirds.
13. I went to a tough high school. In biology we used to dissect custodians.
14. To be a first-grade teacher you have to have skill, dedication, and an immunity to knock-knock jokes.
15. Funny Facebook Status School is where you always try to do your best-except when your friends are watching.
16. Teachers deserve a lot of credit. Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
17. Back-to-school sales get me all excited. Of course, pretty much any sale gets me all excited.
18. Funny Facebook Status School is very important. Everyone should get at least a high school education–even if they already know everything.
19. You know our education system has problems when Hallmark comes out with a new line of “Easy-to-read” graduation cards.
20. My kids have everything they need to go back to school – except the right attitude.
21. The best part of going back to school is seeing all your friends. The worst part is that your teachers won’t let you talk to them.

1. Job security: calling my boss and posing as a problematic customer so he’ll realize he still needs me while I’m on vacation.
2. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
3. Conway’s Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on – This person must be fired.
4. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
5. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
6. The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit.
7. People are always available for work in the past tense.
8. If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
9. Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
10. Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor
11. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
15. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
16. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
17. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
18. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
19. The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
20. I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
21. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
22. I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
23. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
24. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
25. Never quit until you have another job.
26. Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
27. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore
28. Pride, commitment, teamwork – words we use to get you to work for free.
29. If at first you don’t succeed – try management.
30. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings – they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
31. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
32. Go the extra mile–It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
33. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
34. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job – with a better company someday.
35. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
36. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
37. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

1. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
2. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
3. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
4. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
5. Men are like roses, watch out for all of the pricks.
6. If love isn’t a game, then why are there so many players?
7. Don’t waste your on a guy who isn’t willing to waste his on you!
8. Anyone can hate. It costs to love.
9. I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met!
10. True love is like a pair of socks: you gotta have two and they’ve gotta match.
11. God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
12. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you are probably doing it wrong!
13. Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!
14. Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions!
15. Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
16. Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.
17. When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
18. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
19. There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
20. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
21. A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once.
22. My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
23. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
24. Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
25. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
26. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
27. Marriage changes Everything!… Suddenly you’reA in bed with a Relative!
28. Love means telling you why you are sorry!
29. Love may be blind but jealousy has 20-20 vision.
30. Love is like water;A We can fall in it. We can drown in it. And we can’t live with out it.
31. When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
32. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
33. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
34. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
35. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
36. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
37. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
38. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
39. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
40. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
41. Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.