* It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
* While assuring children that Santa really does exist, I’m often quick to add “unlike you” just to keep them on their toes.
* I love Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?
* The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. ~ Joan Rivers
* I may not be the real Santa, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen you while you’re sleeping.
* I plan to chug NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head!
* This year I’m making “fruitcakes” out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions.
* If you want, you can tickle my elmo!
* I am still trying to figure out what “police nabbed my dad” has to do with Christmas.
* Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
* I am the ghost of Christmas Passed Out.
* I’ve been bad a few times this year, but it was worth it…you judgmental fat bastard!
* What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. ~ Phyllis Diller
* All I want for Christmas is you. Just kidding! I want a new car.
* The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. ~ Jay Leno
* Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts.
* Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
* This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I’ve decided to give everyone my opinion.
* I am dreaming of a white Christmas. But, if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.
* I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~ Shirley Temple
* Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven. ~ W. C. Fields
* Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. ~ Johnny Carson
* The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. ~ Johnny Carson
* It’s important to clearly mark which egg nog has been spiked. Write that down. These kids areA hilarious, though.
* Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. ~ Kin Hubbard
* Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won’t make it “white”. ~ Bing Crosby
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